


Just Because I'm Not There

by Deannie



Series: Dear Love [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-05-10
Updated: 1997-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 06:00:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A life together in memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Because I'm Not There

DISCLAIMER: Ellison and Sandburg belong to UPN and Pet Fly. Nobody belongs to me except my cat, and she's not worth much. 

RATING: NC-17 (in absentia), h/c (also in absentia), death story 

WARNING: I was a little melancholy when I wrote this. 

NOTE: Okay, so melancholy is perhaps too tame a word. I don't know where that blue funk of mine came from, but it produced this little bit, and I have another--slightly less dark--in the wings, if you guys like this one. This has nothing to do with the Deprivation series I'm currently working on, so don't worry, you haven't missed anything before this one begins. 

## Just Because I'm Not There

by Dean Warner  


Day 1 

Lover, 

I told Simon to give you these when he felt the time was right, but don't feel like you have to go by his timetable. Wait if you have to. I'll always be here waiting... 

If you're ready, please know that I love you, and I want you to know that I've updated these as time's gone on. I need you to remember, but I'd never want to hurt you. 

This letter is only to let you know how I planned this. I have the letters spaced out, and I want you to read the next one tonight, before you go to bed. I hope it will help you sleep, as I expect you haven't been. That always pissed me off, and I won't tolerate it now. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not going to be there. You have no idea how much I wish I was there so I could wrap my arms around you and make all the pain go away. 

Please forgive me. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 1--Night 

Lie down on the bed. On *our* bed. Remember when we bought it? It seemed so big, so decadent. All brass and fixtures. But somehow it was always us, huh? Somehow, we fit so well there. 

When you've read this, close your eyes and remember what I've said. Hear my voice--you know it, as well as you know your own, I'm sure. I always knew yours. 

Breathing's important, Love. Don't forget to do it. I want you to keep breathing, because you have to know that everything we did will be in vain if you don't go on. You have people who care for you. Let them. Simon told me once that you and I were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I think he was right. 

But he'll understand you now. Please don't shut him out. Love, I know this is hard for you, but you have to understand--either one of us would have to go on alone eventually. 

I'm just so sorry that it's you. 

Now, lie back and breathe deeply. Like we both used to do after work, when the case was too difficult, or we were both just so tired that we couldn't think straight anymore. 

Remember those nights when I wasn't there. Remember that you'd curl up in a ball, trying to convince yourself that we were curled there together. 

Do it now, Love. Go to sleep, and remember that I love you. 

When you wake up in the morning, read the next letter. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 2 -- Breakfast 

Okay! Good morning! 

After you read this, I want you to go downstairs and take a shower. Use that weird shampoo in the blue bottle--it never runs out, remember? We only ever use it after lovemaking, and we always make sure there's enough for both of us. 

I want to you remember what it felt like to wash each other. Wash yourself as if we got up early and fooled around too long, so we had to rush to make it to the station on time. 

When you're done with the shower, come back and read the rest. 

So you're clean now, huh? I know what it's like to smell you when you're clean like that. You use that shampoo and if I kiss your lips, I'm close enough to drown in the smell. It drives us both crazy, you know that. I finally realized that the only reason we ever used it was so we could feel like we could smell each other on us. 

All day long, we'd smell the aftermath of our lovemaking, and we'd come home ready to cuddle together on the couch... And sometimes a whole lot more. 

I want you to go into the kitchen now. Take down the chinese tea tin--the one with the blue flowers on it? That's *our* tea. Just the right scent, just the right bitterness.... 

No coffee for you today. I want you to make that tea and sit at the table. When you've done that, read the rest of the letter. 

I hope you're not sitting around the loft, lost. But I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you *are* doing. Get up. Go out and take a walk. Go down to the bay--walk all the way, now! Even if, by some miracle, you are actually going to work these days, take the day off. Call in sick. If they gripe at you, fuck 'em. You're mine. For these few, brief letters, now, you're mine, and I won't let them take you away from me. 

When you get to that jetty--the one right by the park, the one where we made love at three a.m.?--read the next letter. 

Have a good walk. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 2 -- the jetty 

Sit down by the big maple--the one that had the crocuses circled around it that night. 

Do you remember what you said to me when I suggested it? You said you'd never done it in a public place! God, I thought that was funny, and you were so annoyed when I laughed. But, Love! No place is truly public at three a.m.! 

Remember what it felt like when I eased into you there. It was a special night, remember? We'd both gotten our tests back--both clean, thank God--and I fucked you naked for the first time? 

The look on your face that night was magic! Your eyes are so blue, and they were dancing like... I don't know how to describe it, Love, but I knew then that I could never love anyone as much as I love you. 

And I *do* love you. Please know that. I know I didn't say it enough, but I'm hoping to make up for it now. It's too late, I know. But I need to write it down--as many times as I can. 

Whatever pain you go through in these next weeks, please don't let it break you. I've seen it happen to you before--that pain that you think is never going to go away. The hurt that you *know* will consume you... 

It won't. Love, I *promise* you it won't. Let me help you. 

I've spent the best years of my life with you, and if you felt you couldn't go on, just because I'm not there... Then I'd have to come back like Jacob Marley and kick your ass! 

Laugh. Please? I love your laugh. Not the sad, hopeless chuckle, or the wry, put-upon groan, but that deep, sexy laugh of yours. 

Okay, enough of the tree. Pick a crocus for me, if it's the right time of year, and take it home with you. 

When you're ready to go to bed, read the next letter. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 2 -- Night 

Get a beer from the fridge, and go out on the patio. Somehow, it's always been my favorite place with you. No, Love, I'm sorry, even the bed wasn't as good. 

Somehow, when we sat out there, holding each other, looking up at the stars or out at the bay, life seemed so right. 

Remember when we came home from Peru? God, we were both so tired, and there was so much to think about and yet, when we walked out on that balcony, everything seemed to fall into place. 

That was before I knew I loved you. I wish I had known it then. It would have made things so much easier for us... We could have been happier for a longer time. 

I want you to be happy, Love. I want you to find someone--someone pretty. You have to pass those genes of yours on to the next generation. They're too good to waste. 

I always wondered about that. What would our lives have been like if we had never met? Right now, I can't help thinking that, at least, you wouldn't have to deal with this. But I hope you know that I would never have traded our love for anything. 

I want you to go upstairs now. There's something I need you to do. 

Sit on the bed. Now, take your shirt off... Your pants... Your boxers... I want to see you naked. I *can* see you. You know that. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I can't take care of you. 

It also doesn't mean that I can't still get off on watching you play with yourself. If you laugh now, Love, I promise I'll be laughing with you. 

Take your cock in your hand--gently. Run two fingers softly down it, from tip to root. I want you to jack off for me. I want you to close your eyes and see the light in my face when I watch you. Wrap your hand around yourself. Play with it. Get hard for me, Love. I'm counting on you. I've always been able to do that--even before we loved each other. 

Now, keep this letter with you while you work. I want you to know exactly what I see when I watch you do this. 

You have this look on your face, and it's almost eerie. You stare at me so hungrily, like you're doing this for *me*. I love that unselfishness about you. 

When you really get going, you have this vein--don't laugh while you're working, honey, you'll hurt yourself! There's this vein in your forehead, just to the right of your right eye. It bulges slightly in time with your movements. 

Don't ask me why, but it's got to be the sexiest thing I have ever seen. 

Next to your hands of course. Did you ever know that, when you do this, your free hand never leaves mine? You hold on to me as if I were a lifeline. Hold on to the letter like that now. I'm touching you through it. 

And the hand grasping your cock? When you go at it like that, it seems to be made of light. You really thrust rather quickly, Love. But I've told you that before, and I don't want you to stop now because I love to watch that light work. 

Have I timed this right? I hope so. I want you to hold one image in your mind as you come. You know that look I always get when you finish? That smile means that I love you when you come more than I love you at any other time we're in bed together. It's... your essence... and I can smell it even in my dreams. 

Come, Love. Come, and remember that I watched you do this, and that I'm hard--if that's allowed in heaven. 

And remember, if you laugh now, I'll be laughing with you. 

Go to sleep. I want you to dream of me. When you wake up, please read the next letter. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 3 -- Morning 

Okay, Love. Good Morning! 

Same shower as yesterday, but don't use *our* shampoo. This sounds weird, but I want you to smell *you* on you all day today. Be me for a day, okay? 

No tea this time either. Drink coffee and cook yourself some eggs and toast. I'll be waiting here when you're done cooking. 

Eat. You're going to need it. I want you to go into work today--I don't care if you're still not working. Go in. Talk to people. Remember what I said about the people who care about you? Tell them your lover wants you there. They'll understand. And if they don't, you can fuck *them* too. I'm asking you a favor today, and I know you never refuse a favor when it counts. 

This one will be short, since I'd hate it if you were late because of me. 

Think of the cabin today. I loved that trip we took in the fall--the time when I almost drowned in the creek. It's stupid to remember that particular trip fondly, but I love to feel you hold me like that... 

Go to work. Just because I'm not there, doesn't mean they can't blame me for making you late. Don't read the next letter until tomorrow morning, but remember to dream about me tonight. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

DAY 4 -- Breakfast 

I just realized that yesterday might have been a weekend. Stupid of me, huh? That's okay. I hope you knew what I was trying to do. 

Which reminds me--Make a date for Poker Night. Have it here in the loft. I want to see you guys laughing over Simon's bad jokes. And sick as it is, I love to see Ryf lose. I don't know why, but he pouts so much when he does. 

If they don't think it's right to do that, tell them I told you to. I spoke with Simon when I gave him these letters. He'll understand. And so will the rest of the guys. 

I think they always thought we'd make a great couple. I mean, none of them came out and said as much, but there was this sort of collective sigh of relief when we finally took that step. 

Okay, so I hope today is a work day, cause I want you to go in again. If it isn't, then call a friend and go out. See a movie, go for a walk. Something. Be with someone who loves you, Love. 

You know you'll always be with me, but today, I want to share you. And tomorrow, I want you to think about the first time we made love. I'll talk to you about it tomorrow night, when you read the next letter. 

Don't wear yourself out, Love. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Day 5 -- Night 

Did you think about it? If not, you're about to have a refresher course. 

Okay, picture us both, after the Matthews case. Remember him? The psycho who'd been chopping up science students on campus? You remember how much that one victim got to me, and how mad I was when the feds took over the case? 

Simon was so great. He stood up to them. Telling them that it was *our* case. He said "Ellison and Sandburg have been working this case from the beginning, and I am *not* pulling them off of it because the local ASAC wants a feather in his cap!" 

Ellison and Sandburg. That was the first time I realized that he really did see us as a team. I'd worried about that. We lied to ourselves and to everyone else for so long, that I thought, if he looked at us like a team at all, it was as the subject and the researcher or the cop and the hippie. I loved to hear him say our names together like that. 

He was acknowledging that we are a part of each other. 

Okay, sorry, I got off track... The Matthews case. I was a wreck that night. Matthews had been caught, and we had watched the Bureau suits grill him for two hours before he'd finally caved, confessing to everything. 

You know the one thing that still sticks in my mind about his confession? That phrase he used. "Disposable people". It made me shake. I remembered it just when we walked into the loft, remember? And you held me, led me to the couch. 

Go sit on the couch now, Love. I want you to feel me beside you. I want you to know how much I loved the feeling of it when you took my face in your hands and kissed me. You were only trying to calm me down, I think--at least at first. But that feeling was there... 

I felt so calm with you there. 

I had to fight to remember for the longest time whether we actually made it to one of the two beds that night. I remember now that we didn't. We tried to, but neither of us seemed willing to wait. 

The night was so wild, but I remember one thing very distinctly. Go sit on the stairs and tell me you remember it too. 

You were trying to recover from the blow jobs in the living room, and, when we'd finished resting, we were closer to the stairs. But you got hungry again. Do you remember what you said to me? 

"I want you to be inside me now! I've never wanted anything else so much in my life--and I can't *wait* until we get upstairs." 

I've always said that you knew how to get someone's attention when you needed to. I don't think I've ever run so fast to get lube and a condom. 

Laugh, Love. You know I'll be laughing with you. 

I couldn't believe the feeling when I first slipped that finger into your ass--you have the nicest ass, by the way. Never told you that enough. You were so hot, and I was so afraid of hurting you. You'd told me before that you'd never been with a man, and I know from the look in your eyes when we started that I was thicker than you'd thought I would be. I never told you about that, but it's too late for you to hit me for it now. 

I can still feel your hips under my hands--not just from all the other times, but from that first time in particular. You were shaking, and you tried to set the pace, but I wasn't having any of it. I wanted you to know just how perfect it could feel. And there is nothing in the world that I have needed quite so much than to feel you surrounding me, holding off while I thrust into you--teasingly sometimes. I know you hate that, but I love to watch you squirm. And I know that it's worth it to you, or you wouldn't have put up with me as long as you did. 

But now...? Love, I want you to move on. Just because I'm not there, doesn't mean I can't see you be happy. If you had chosen to leave me for someone, I'd probably have killed you on the spot--or killed the other person, at least. 

But I need to see you happy. Please? For me, Love? 

Okay, I'm sorry I pushed. I do that a lot with you, but you know that it's only because I love you so much, right? 

Whenever the next weekend is, I want you to go up to Cascade Reservoir and set up your tent on our overlook. I don't care if it's freezing, I want you to be there when you read my next letter. 

I'll wait for you. I haven't always been patient, but this time, I'll wait. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Cascade Reservoir 

Have you eaten yet? If not, don't look at this letter again until after dinner, okay? 

Okay, I hope the sun is just going down. If this letter missed it, know that I didn't. I was watching it with you. 

The air up here is so clear sometimes! I love being out of the city. You can see the stars so much better. We used to play Constellation, remember? 

Will you play it with me now? 

Go on, lie on your back and look up at the stars. Even if you can't see them through the clouds that might be there, you know where they are. We played this enough times, right? 

I saw Orion that one night. It was June, and the air was perfect, and it was the first time since I was a kid that I could see all the stars in the constellation. I pointed them out to you, and you surprised me by knowing all the names of the brightest ones. You surprised me a lot, you know. 

One of the many things I love about you. 

I think we go out of our way to make love in strange places, don't you? Okay, so a tent in the middle of the forest is not too strange, but do you remember the waterfall? Do you remember the lady and her three kids who almost stumbled on to us while we were finishing? Never been so glad of Sentinels before--never have been since. 

Out here was where I wanted to bring a certain subject up with you, Love. I've been avoiding it, but I'm sure you haven't. We've both got guilt complexes a fathom deep, so just because I'm not there, don't think you can lie to me, okay? 

Whatever happened, I don't want you blaming yourself. Knowing me, I probably died in a stakeout or some case gone horribly wrong. If I died stupidly, I think you'd agree that that would be *my* fault, right? 

Don't spend the rest of your life blaming yourself, Love. Please? 

I can almost hear you try to deny what I'm saying. If you'd only been with me, or, if you *were* with me, if you'd only been faster. If you'd only known... 

Newsflash, my Love. None of us really know. There is no psychic in the world who can predict death accurately. 

I love you. I'm thinking about you right now, and I know that, if you ever have to read these letters, I'll be missing the best thing in my entire life. 

I know these letters probably sound selfish, but I don't think you've ever really expected any more from me. You love me even though I *am* selfish, and I still can't believe that love like that is possible. 

You need to love someone else like that again, Love. Please, don't waste away. If you get up here, and I find that you frittered away the rest of your life feeling guilty about me... 

Well, you get the picture. 

Sleep, Love. I want you to wait a full week before reading the last letter. Don't cheat now! I never saw you cheat before, and I'd hate to see it now. 

Dream of me--but stop wishing I was there. I'm always there. I always will be. 

I love you.  
  


* * *

Final letter 

I'm glad you've read through all of these, and I hope they helped you. Not to forget me, or to wallow in memories of me, but to help you remember how much I love you. Simon's been talking to you, I'm sure. I told him to. As hard as it was to lose Danny, as hard as it was to lose Jack... Simon always knew how much harder it would be for me to lose you--or the other way around. 

I told him to tell you stories about how I was before you and I met. I'm sure he did more than that, but that was all I asked of him. He'll help you with this, Love. He's one of the few who ever knew exactly what you mean to me. 

And in case you don't remember my words often enough, here's a brief refresher... 

You changed my life in a way that I had never thought possible. The Sentinel research and controlling my senses were just a by-product. You helped me grow a new sense. A sense of life. He'll tell you that I was a loner before I met you, but I was so much worse than that. 

Carolyn tried to help me open up. She really wanted to help me to love her. But I'd been so closed up for so long... Superficial love isn't enough for a marriage. 

And then along comes this... *kid*! You pissed me off from the moment I met you. You knew that--but did you know *why*? You pissed me off because you didn't care about the chain of command. You didn't care about authority. 

I didn't either, really, but they were the only things that kept me sane. 

I can pinpoint when all that changed for me. Lash. Funny that I have Lash to thank--however indirectly--for changing my life. But when he took you from me, when I saw the number on my beeper, and I rushed home to find blood and shambles and not *you*, I realized what I would miss without you. 

You *are* life, Blair. You are everything that life exemplifies. I thought, as you got older, that maybe some of that exuberance would fade. But years later, it never has. 

Share your life, Love. Please? Just because I'm not there, don't let that be a reason to throw away what you are. You'll find someone. And when you do, she'll be the perfect match. Well, *you*'ll be the perfect match, at any rate. 

But don't follow me too soon, okay, Love? I need you there, to show people how to live. 

The world will be a much happier place if you do. 

I'm going to finish this letter now. You should have the deed to the cabin, and I hope I left you enough to keep the loft--even on your salary. But I have a feeling you'll be a dean before long, and then, you can afford to keep the place yourself. 

I love you so much, Blair. I love you enough to wait... 

So don't rush on my account, okay? Dream of me, but don't wish you were *here* with me. There'll be time enough for that later. So much more time that we would ever have had down there. 

Live for me, Love. 

I'll always watch over you, but until *you* see *me* again, 

I love you.  
  


* * *

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